Friday, July 29, 2016

THE DAY I STOPPED LIVING LIFE

This is a very dark post coming from a very very dark place I've been living in almost all my life. To be honest, I really don't want to be here anymore and I know I don't even suffer like those who suffer way worse than I do... Most people think I don't think or understand that, but what do they know about being selfless? I have a family, a good paying job, pets, really good loyal friends and most importantly a home. I'm blessed I know and I'm grateful for it everyday, but why am I depressed?

Here is why... The evil side of humanity robbed me my happiness and a happy life. Why? Well, THE DAY I STOPPED LIVING WAS THE DAY I SAW WHAT HUMANITY DID TO MY MOTHER, OUR MOTHER. That was the day I stopped living for myself and aim to dedicate my life to help protect and save MY MOTHER!

She provides for us, entertains, feeds, nourishes, disciplines, showed us so much beauty and most importantly taught us how to survive, love and flourish. Sure there may be storms, destruction and blizzards, but that's life cause after destruction comes life. 

It was Michael Jackson's 'Earth song' music video that showed me the horrors of humanity. I was just 7 or younger and it killed me. After that, I knew what I wanted to do with my life on Earth. 

Through school all I wanted to study was science, animal science and couldn't wait to grow up for Biology. What did I get instead? A whole lot of crap of society brainwashing and false heroes. Everyone just wanted to be better than the other, to be rich, famous and respected. I just wanted to have long lasting friends, study what I wanted to study so that I could do what I wanted to do and help make the world a better place when I grow up. 

I felt a lot of anger, resentment and hate towards the people who didn't give a fck but only for themselves acting like Gods and false heroes when given power they bought and cheated their way into. I understand it's about survival, but in the end of the day... why do I know it is wrong and despicable? Why do I feel this way? Why do I think this way and not like them too? Why I suffer and choose to suffer rather than be like them?

Call it Schizophrenia, Paranoia and Depression. I wasn't born a genius, but a stupid fool that feels too much and is a hypersensitive idiot with a belief that I could actually do good in this world. All WEAKNESSES that could get me stepped on, used, abused and killed any day. 

I gave up when I was 16 and I got really lost. They made me believe I was nothing and a piece of useless trash. If this is how mother nature is getting rid of it's weeds, well I'll be happy to go n not be a hindrance. 

It would be selfish of course, but it would bring the end of my suffering as well as other people's problems-one less mouth to feed, one less problem to worry about, one less parasite...

This is why people end their lives due to depression. They are only thinking for the people around them and by taking their own lives, they are committing an act of selflessness. Do they want to suffer? Do they want to die? NO! They want to LIVE! If taking their own life would take away one person's problem because they couldn't do what's right? Than yes, it's out of selflessness. 

I understand everyone has their own opinions and counter attacks to feel better about themselves... I get it. If it helps you sleep at night, so be it. Everyone has the right to voice out their opinions and believe in them, but everyone has a choice to be good or bad. 

Small minded people would ask me to go fck myself already, but I'm still here. Do I wan't to be here? Hell no. Only reason why I'm still here is because I decided to rescue Sonnig. I wanted to right what man has done wrong and not give up on my mission. 

I was really close to doing what Robin Williams did, only he actually successfully did it a year after my failed attempt. Nobody was there to stop me but I stopped it. I adopted Sonnig so that he could keep my family safe even though they never saw it that way. Thinking back, I should have gone through with it, but I was selfish. I loved Sonnig too much and I wanted to love, care, protect and give him the best. 

At the hospital, my parents brought news that there was a stray puppy that didn't want to leave my house. Great. Then came Zolla, Raichu, Karroo, Suzzie, Barney, Bucky, Yoda, Autumn, and so many more unwanted animals that needed my help. Were they unwanted? I was selfish. All of them could have ended up in better homes and with better care. I became the thing I despised most. 

I lost my baby girl Yoda because I was busy being selfish thinking I could help make a difference. Running around town volunteering in animal rescue and stray feedings. I should have seen the signs and caught her illness the moment I saw her. I should have given her to her original adopter for she was more experienced and knowledgeable, but she already had 100+ dogs and I thought I could give her the best. A family that loves her and a long happy life. 

I became the thing I hated most. I am nothing but a failure and a menace to society bringing problems to my parents only and bringing pain and suffering to the people around me. I can't even pull the plug anymore because I have too many pets to leave behind and people to disappoint. 

It's either saving another dog from the streets or making my family happy by not bringing another dog in, but disappointing the people that had done so much for the dog. She is Autumn's mum n the group of rescuers that funded her spaying, tvt shots and food are counting on me to help keep her off the streets. 

I believe my pets deserve better owners. They are wonderful, smart, loving and beautiful dogs. My rabbits are neutered and would give anyone joy. Turtle n his fish friends could go to an owner with a huge pond... 

In life, there will always be people that could provide better, are more successful, rich and happy. I don't deserve to live. I deserve to rot in hell for all the pain I've put everyone around me through. 

It's time to choose...